Progress

I posted this link on my facebook page back in August. (Actually, I shared it from the fb page of another adoptive mom. - Thank you Kimberly!)  Anyway, if you've ever wondered what adopting an older child is like, Jen Hatmaker nails it.  If you read her blog post from the link above, my post here will make a lot more sense to you.  It's okay, go ahead and read it and come back when you're done... I'll still be here when you get back.

 

For some reason, our adoptions seem to go straight from the Pre-Stage (waiting for your kiddo/s) directly to Stage 2 (spaz out).  We never seem to get Stage 1 (the honeymoon) - except the part where our first four kids treated their new brother like a pet... that happened.

 

I want to note that Stage 2 looks a bit different with a 14 year old than it did with 11, 8, 7, and 5 year olds.  First, there is no wailing - but there is muttering... in Chinese... in a tone that is unmistakeably disrespectful (and I might add that it's at these times I'm happy to not understand exactly what it is that he's saying).  Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'd recognize that tone in any language.  Second, there are no tantrums - at least not the kicking, screaming, hysterical kind.  Teenage tantrums are much more subtle and quiet.  We've been given the silent treatment, the glares, exaggerated sighs of exasperation, and eye rolls (any of these may be combined for maximum effect).  Yup, seen all those.  Then there are the bouts of willful disobedience - like the night he was supposed to take a shower: he went in the bathroom, turned on the water, never got in, turned off the water, came back out and got in bed.  He was righteously indignant when told to go back in and actually take a shower (the dry hair and dry towel were dead give aways to his folly - the same as when his dry toothbrush tells me that he didn't brush his teeth while he emphatically insists that he did).  Finally, I've seen the tears in his eyes full of rage and frustration - that 'tantrum' was much harder on me to witness than his other ones.  Grieving and simulaneously trying to assert his independence, all while going through a complete upheaval of life as he once knew it - that's a teen in Stage 2.

 

On December 5th, we will have been home 4 months.  On the horizon, I'm seeing signs of Stage 3 (triage).  For example, trying to have a 'conversation' with him via Google translate used to be very one-sided.  I would type out what I considered to be a very important point that he needed to know and I expected he would have questions about; he would read it, bob his head and say 'mhhf' and go back to his iPod.  Now, with an excessive amount of some prodding - he will ask/type some follow up questions!  He interacts with his siblings willingly - even the girls (sometimes)!  He started coming out of his room when we have people over - AND THEY WEREN'T EVEN HIS FRIENDS FROM CHINA!  (You have no idea what a big deal that one is.)  I recently became worthy of battery use on his iPod in order for him to translate for me how incredibly wrong my recipe was for making fried rice!  (We only let him charge his iPod once per day in order to limit his usage of it - so that, my friends, is a big deal.)  He actually laughed when I teased him that I was going to cut his hair as short as Oscar's buzz cut!  (At some point around age 12 or 13 in the orphanage, they quit buzz cutting the boys' hair.  NOT having a buzz cut is a big deal - like some sort of adolescent rite of passage.  Him laughing about me doing that to his hair is a BIG deal.)  I could go on and on about the small things that I see as huge victories.  Unless you've lived attachment in older child adoption, there's no way for me to really explain to you how I can be so happy about such seemingly mundane happenings.  Yet I am.

 

And although we are beginning to see more and more of this face:

 

 

I know we haven't seen the end of this face:



 

However, picturing this face...



 

...helps get me through those rough days.  Because this is what I see when I look at him.

 

 

Looking forward to Stage 4 (rehab)...

Mayerly's 11th Birthday



Sorry the pictures are kinda grainy.  I had to crop them to get in closer on 2 of them.  She made out like a bandit with a Gameboy w/3 games, a dance game for the Wii, a little purse, some clothes and a stuffed pink kitty :).

 



So, What Have We Been Doing for the Last MONTH???

We're here and have our feet under us again (so to speak).  We've overcome the jet lag and are starting to get back to normal (whatever that is).

Tim and I are both back to work (I'm on a reduced work schedule so I can be there for our new son as much as possible). We have visited with both sides of the family's grandparents and a few aunts and uncles.  We had our 1st post-adoption visit with our social worker.  We visited our local amusement park (Worlds of Fun).  We got everyone's hair cut.  We signed SongSong up to play soccer with Seth at Seth's school (private school that allows home school kids to play on their sports teams) - there's a game or a practice 4 days per week. We started home school with Grandma for SongSong, private school for everyone else (2 separate private schools).  After 2 days we decided that home school wasn't the best fit for our new son - so we enrolled him in Oscar & Diana's school until he learns English.  Started all our therapies back up again (we took a short break from therapies over the summer due to the adoption).  We have visited friends.  And we have gone to church every week.  I know I'm forgetting a lot of stuff, but I'm sure you get the idea - WE'VE BEEN BUSY.

SongSong, our new addition, is very introverted.  I'm not sure he's shy though (don't worry, I'll explain - read on).  He has very definite opinions and voices them (albeit when via Google Translate it's sometimes difficult to "get" exactly where he is going with some things).  Recently, we've had to teach him about personal posessions, and why you can't do what you want with other people's stuff (ESPECIALLY computers and electronics).  We've spent a fair amount of time undoing some things he's done to Oscar and Grandma's computers without their permission.  It's all about boundaries and teaching him where his end and another's begin.  Consequences ensue when that line is crossed!

He doesn't like the food here in America either (unless we are eating at a Chinese buffet, but we can't afford to do that every meal, so he's just going to have to learn to deal on that one).  Even my efforts at Chinese cuisine have been pretty thoroughly rejected.  In answer to this, and as an "attachment parenting" technique, I have made it his job to help me cook dinner every night :).  That way, if he doesn't like it... well, he helped make it so... there you have it.  Much less vocal complaining about the food going on from him these days.

His other job is feeding the dogs.  He doesn't like the dogs.  He was afraid of Hanai when we first came home.  If you know our dog Hanai, you know how, well, almost funny this is.  She is so submissive that she rolls over on her back (and often pees) when meeting someone new (yeah, I know, she makes a great first impression).  I know he isn't used to pets, so I understand why he reacts the way he does (actually Claudia was afraid of them too when we first brought our other kids home.)  Anyway, he tolerates both dogs now, but still doesn't care much for them.  They still like him though :).

But I hafta ask, is this scary to you???

SongSong REALLY likes his electronics, and in a pinch, his books.  Unfortunately it's usually to the exclusion of human interaction (unless it's someone he already knows from China... or someone who is under the age of 9...).  Those qualifiers (also unfortunately) exclude everyone in our household - and most of the population of the United States for that matter.  Needless to say, getting him to engage our family has been a challenge.  Hence the helping me with dinner chore, the private school instead of home school, the soccer, the manditory 1 hour of English TV daily for "homework" and the everything-else-I-can-think-of-to-get-him-out-of-that-bedroom-and-socializing-with-the-family activity there is.  It's like pulling teeth, but I won't give up.

New people and new things put our new son out of his comfort zone pretty much immediately.  Whenever he is very uncomfortable he will (while standing) put his hands on his knees and look at the floor.  We saw that the first day we met him in China, we see it anytime he's even remotely the focus of a group of people (like when he had to get his physical with all the other kids before soccer), when a group of young people (mostly girls) came up and talked to us in Tianfu Square in Chengdu in order to practice their English, when our family was at the airport to meet him when we came home, I could go on and on.  You get the picture.  Speaking of pictures, here's one below of him and Seth at the airport the day we came home (notice he's upright while talking to his friend, but obviously uncomfortable with all the attention he is receiving).

I think SongSong definitely has the ability to bond, but I think his sense of trust has just been severely damaged with all he's been through in life. I believe he's testing us to see if we are going to kick him to the curb like his bio-family, then his first foster family, and then the orphanage did (because I'm relatively certain that's how he sees things - even if he doesn't consciously realize it).  I also believe that's why he holds on so tightly to his old ways and all things familiar. Oscar did this too (to a much lesser extent) when we brought him home. I just have to remind myself not to take the behaviors personally.  Intellectually I know he is only protecting himself from being hurt again, but when he's doing whatever 'it' is that is getting my goat at the time, it's often hard to remind myself of that fact!

Check back.  Our family's story only continues to add chapters.

This post is linked to Death by Great Wall adoption blog.

August 28, 2012 - Oscar's 15th Birthday

I know, I know, I'm late, AGAIN.  But better late than never, right?

 15 candles

 Memory cards for his seriously underpowered computer

 

And a multi-tool.  What will won't he be able to dismantle with this?



Whirlwind Tour of Beijing

For our last full day in China, it was a very full day :).  We started by going to Tiananmen Square.  I know I'm dating myself, but I vividly remember the protests that happened there when I was about 18 years old.  It was an interesting experience to stand there all these years later with the place filled with tourists taking pictures.

 

Literally right across the street from Tiananmen Square is the Forbidden City.  This is where the Chinese emperor and other royalty lived.  Common folks were not allowed in - hence the name.  The city was built in the 1400s and according to our guide it took 14 years to finish constructing it.

 

After that, we went to lunch at a restaurant located in jade factory (um, yeah it sure was).  Honestly, it was probably the most bland meal we've had since we've been in China (and that includes the food on the airplanes - which incidently isn't bad on the Chinese airlines we've flown).  We also had a short educational tour about how to tell the difference between real jade and fake jade and also the differences in jade quality.  Very interesting (to me anyway).

 

After the jade factory, we went to the Great Wall.  Where we accessed the wall, you could go left - which was relatively flat, or right - which was an almost a vertical climb (imagine a slightly inclined ladder).  Holy cow some of those stairs are steep - definitely doesn't meet current building code for risers (or treads) either - sorry, I've worked in engineering my whole professional career, these things occur to me.  Guess which way our group decided to go...

 

At 4:30 PM we left the Great Wall and drove by the 2008 Beijing Olympic Village.  We saw the 'bird nest' and the 'water cube'.  Very cool architecture.

 

We're getting ready to head out for dinner tonight and we leave for the airport tomorrow at 1:00 PM.  We'll see you at home :).

Pictures

I had meant to post these pictures with the last post, but I couldn't get them to upload so here they are in a separate post.  They are all from our trip to Shamian.  One just to give you an idea of the look of the place, another of the boys goofing off for the camera and one of our new son who obviously has a soft spot for the babies just like his older brother :).

Heading to Beijing (again)

We had our consulate appointment yesterday at 8:30 AM.  It's really no big deal - take an oath on behalf of your adopted child, give the person at the little window some stuff for the file and get your older child fingerprinted (electronically).  Badda-bing done.  Our guide picked up SongSong's visa today and we fly out of Guangzhou to Beijing for some sight-seeing at 10:30 AM tomorrow.  I really like the city of Guangzhou, but I'm ready to leave.  It's been nearly a week of about 100 degree heat with almost 100% humidity.  We're absolutely drenched with sweat every time we walk anywhere (it was actually almost the exact same weather in Chengdu - maybe a few degrees cooler). Tim won't ever just sit in the hotel, so we're always walking somewhere.  The underground mall is about 1/2 a block from our hotel, so I suggested going there today.  He can walk and it's much cooler there than it is on the streets.  I'm just ready to be dry again - although I saw on Yahoo weather that the Beijing forecast is for rain while we're there :-p.  I may have enjoyed both Chengdu and Guangzhou a little more in - say - November to March :-).

 

Just as a side note, the day we left Beijing on our way to Chengdu (July 21st) they got a major rain storm and there was flooding in (I believe) the Fushan District.  We just missed it (literally by a few hours). The official death toll was 77, but there is speculation that it was much higher and the gov't is not reporting the true numbers.  Please remember the people affected by this tragedy in your prayers.

 

I'm attaching pictures from right outside our hotel (Hotel Elan) and of the "Tunnel of Guangzhou" aka the entrance to the underground mall.