My husband is going to say (as he often does) that I have "over-shared" with this post. But it has been on my mind for a long, long time now, and I've never read this subject addressed in any other blog I've read up until now, so here it goes...
Everyone on the adoptive parent side of the adoption equation usually has a very rosy, almost naive view of the situation. I know I did. Kids needing parents, would-be parents without kids or wanting to expand their existing families - just put them together and problem solved for everyone, right? But unless you get below the surface of it, you can't see the loss. The loss of a former identity, of culture, of language, of friends, of a family that resembles you physically...
So, Tim and I adopted our four kids 2 years ago. There are probably a hundred blogs out there about families who have adopted much as we did. Some families have adopted more siblings, some fewer, some adopted a portion of a sibling group, while others adopted the remaining siblings (which I support because, while not ideal, it is better than the alternative - growing up without any parents to guide them into adulthood - and as long as contact is allowed with the siblings adopted into other families), and most families adopt just one child (mostly infants) at a time. All a good thing for all involved, right? And where am I going with this?
Does it ever cross your mind that your children may have more biological siblings "out there"? Do you ever allow yourself to think about such things? Does it drive you crazy knowing the unspeakable details concerning your kids lives "before" (usually in the case of older child adoption, but not always), and wondering if there may be others continuing to live in the same hellacious circumstances that your kids managed to survive and eventually escape? I do. Do you ever wonder if a sibling has been adopted by another family before or after you adopted your child/ren? I do.
Do you ever wonder if your child/ren will some day ask you to help try to find siblings or other biological family in their country of origin (in our case Colombia)? What would you do if your child asked you to do this? Would you be willing to help, or would you try to avoid the whole situation, or even discourage it? What if your child was still a minor and asked this of you? Would you be willing to "open" your currently "closed" foreign adoption? For these questions, I don't have any easy answers.
Several months ago, I had a conversation with another adoptive mother concerning a biological sibling that was "left behind". This particular sibling could have been adopted by the family, but chose to stay behind. The family still has contact with this sibling and they were still considering adoption last I heard. This is only the second time I have ever even heard anyone talk about this happening.
Maybe I should just stop reading blogs and chat group posts from adult adoptees - many of them are searching for a part of themselves that they feel is missing (incidently, most were adopted as infants). But I'm always trying to get an idea of what things might look like from our kid's point of view, especially after they reach adulthood. And I probably just think and worry too much about things that I ultimately have no control over... do you?